'AITA for telling my daughter facing homelessness she can move in, but not her husband?' UPDATED (2024)

However, I can't stand her husband (let's just call him Aaron for simplicity's sake). I wouldn't invite Aaron over for dinner, let alone let him live with me. Aaron's in his mid 30s. Criminal history. Hair trigger temper. Chronically immature and has one hell of a jealous/possessive streak that has caused strain in their relationship (which I obviously do not approve of).

Honestly, when she told me she was pregnant, I finally thought we'd be rid of Aaron. I genuinely thought he's exactly the kind of man to ditch (they've been on and off over and over since she was about 18/19). Alas, if anything it made him cling to her tighter. They had a very rushed wedding and this is their longest stint together without any breakups. Just over a year.

There's still been the fair share of dramatics, of course, but I am surprised they've made it this far. Even so, I simply don't want to live with Aaron. I don't like him. I don't want him around me. I'd go above and beyond for my daughter and the baby, they can stay as long as they need, but not him. Obviously, this has created a rift between my daughter and I. She doesn't want to live separately from Aaron.

I told her then she needs to figure out alternative arrangements. Well, their move out date is rapidly approaching (the 15th of December) and they've still not been able to find a place, and she's panicking. She's been begging me to let them stay. I reiterated my terms. Aaron simply cannot stay here.

This led to a lot of tears and some angry words. Namely, me being an AH. I can genuinely see why she might think that, but I also have to think about myself and my own sanity.

Redditors had a lot to say in response.

Kidhauler55 wrote:

Does Aaron work? He can work 2 or 3 jobs to get them their own place. Your daughter needs to work too and pay her way while living with you. You’re right on not letting him live there.

OP responded:

Yes, Aaron works. My daughter doesn't right now. I suspect that's a whole other issue to be dealt with later. Daycare is insanely expensive where i live and almost nobody takes infants (most moms stay home for 12-18 months after birth). Toddler spots probably average around $1600 upwards of $2000 if you want a safe credible place. Infants I suspect would cost more, but I'm not entirely sure.

justsimona wrote:

If she’s adult enough to get pregnant and get married, she’s also adult enough to figure things out. Either she accepts your terms (it’s your house!) or they can stay with friends or his family. Can’t have it both ways. NTA.

OP responded:

Unfortunately, that's not really how things work. I realize that even adults need help from time to time (sometimes a lot of help, and that's ok!). Heck, I need help occasionally too! For my own sanity, my helpfulness has it's own limits and I hope my daughter will eventually understand this. I realize they are in a tough spot.

The vast majority of her friends live at home still, whereas the ones that don't live with multiple room mates and aren't in a position to help. Aaron, from what I've gathered doesn't really have family beyond a brother in another province.

I know he's done a lot of work on himself (so says my daughter) and has distanced himself a great deal from his former friends. I realize their options are extremely limited, but like I said, my ability to help has it's limits.

Shutupandplayball wrote:

NTA - it’s your house and your life. You are being very generous in your offer. I get that she doesn’t want to be separated from her husband but just because he’s “worked” on himself, does NOT wash away all of the hurt that he’s caused. Stand strong, do not be guilted into this.

awsomeX5triker wrote:

NTA. It sounds like you have the right perspective. No need to wash your hands of your daughter. That’s just the weird internet advice some people give in every AITA. You have boundaries which are reasonably fair. This is the point where a compromise needs to be had. No need for an all or nothing scenario and your daughter needs to try to keep in mind that this isn’t a permanent arrangement.

The core issue here is time. It takes time to find a new apartment for them. You are stepping in to help provide that time. Both your daughter and you should be ok with a less than ideal situation depending on how long it will last. I suggest your daughter and baby stay with you in the short term which gives Aaron more flexibility on where he stays while looking for an apartment.

Give them some concessions on him being allowed to visit, just not sleep over. The visitation is contingent on continued good behavior. You could frame this entire thing in a way that it’s an opportunity for Aaron to begin regaining your trust/acceptance/approval. If he really has been working on himself, then I suspect that he would welcome an opportunity to improve his relationship with you.

Edit to add: This suggestion is based on an assumption that you aren’t looking to tip the scales in their relationship. Reading other comments, I see people suggesting that this is an opportunity to get him out of your daughter’s life. Sure I guess. You could try to play this situation out in a way that results in that, but it just feels needlessly manipulative to me. But to each their own.

Nervous-Conclusion46 wrote:

I'm a social worker and it think you are 100% doing the right thing by your daughter by not allowing her husband to move in. Honestly the best thing for Aaron is to move into a homeless shelter where they can assist him in getting employment and finding him housing. The cost of living is high but he could get a full time factory position to afford 2000 a month. It would be tight but still doable.

Part of being adult is planning ahead and because they didn’t do that they are going to have to live with what your offering. FYI if you allow him to move in you wont be able to just kick him out easily. Look up squatters rights, it will give you the confidence to stick by your boundary.

OP responded:

I wouldn't advocate for Aaron to go to a shelter. There's one here in town and it's a mess. Whenever I drive by it there's always so many addicts outside of it that are just so messed up. Aaron has had his struggles with addiction. My goal isn't to thrust him back into that world. I would hope, for his sake, he finds a better option.

After receiving a good deal of feedback, OP jumped on with an update.

I do believe because of my anger and frustration I exaggerated Aaron's flaws in my post below. Has he struggled with his temper? Yes, but I should NOT have described it as hair trigger. I have NEVER thought of him as dangerous. I have NEVER feared for my daughter's safety nor my own.

I also described him as jealous/possessive, and while I do see some of those tendencies, he's NEVER tried to restrict her movements or isolate her. She's always dealt with a tremendous amount of anxiety, particularly when it comes to social situations. As much as I loathe to admit it, in this regard, he's been a wonderful cheerleader.

He could keep her at home where she feels most secure, but he truly does encourage her to get out and be adventurous. As for his criminal record it's all below the age of 24. He has not been in trouble with the law since. It still makes me uncomfortable, but I can admit he's been stable. In all the time I've known him he's had no issues holding down a job, paying his rent, etc.

What bothers me the most is the age gap. I can't explain that away or change it. It is what it is. It makes me uncomfortable. With that said, people here keep saying he's a predator/groomer, but I just don't see that. I could very well be blind/naive. For now, however, I will defend him in this regard.

Anyways, if posting here has shown me anything, it's that Aaron's not nearly as bad as I had built him up in my mind. So many people here are imagining a monster. He's just a guy. He means well. He's trying. He's still irritating, opinionated, immature and talks too much. But he does try his damnedest to take care of my daughter. He is a capable present father and loves being one. They are married. He is family.

Lots of people have stated they are a unit. They come together or not at all. I've started to agree. It's for that reason I've decided to allow them all to stay with me while they figure things out.

Redditors jumped on with more comments after the update.

sugar-fairy wrote:

Your update is laughable lol. “I may be blind and naive, but I’m not going to try and change that”. Okay. We’ll see how your opinion of how he treats your daughter changes when you see how they interact together living under your roof. You do not sound like a mother who has your daughter’s best interests in mind at all.

OP responded:

I'm not her mother. I'm her father. I've always done what I thought was best. That's all I can do. I also don't believe I'm being blind or naive, I just know people are going to say that.

Kidhauler55 wrote:

Does Aaron work? He can work 2 or 3 jobs to get them their own place. Your daughter needs to work too and pay her way while living with you. You’re right on not letting him live there.

VitaSpryte wrote:

So despite all this work he's done on himself his family wont help them and only his brother will have contact with him, your daughter is either lying to you about his change or his behavior has been so abhorrent his family still wants nothing to do with him despite his young baby. I think deep down you know the first scenario is way more likely than the second.

See Also

A Woman Wants Her Parents To Move Into The House Her In-Laws Paid For & Reddit Senses Manipulation

OP responded:

His mother is dead and he refuses to talk to her side of the family because they either turned a blind eye or participated in the terrible things he went through with his mother. He also has no idea who his dad is and doesn't seem to want to know. His brother has a different dad.

In one follow-up comment, OP clarified more thoughts about his daughter's husband:

I will say, I do NOT suspect physical abuse. I will also say I do believe that Aaron loves my daughter. However, he has toxic tendencies. He has had a tremendously difficult/traumatic life and I can't help but pity him in a lot of ways. He is a result of his environment. He has an over abundance of self work to do. I don't think it's impossible but I do think it'd take him a long time and a lot of hard work.

Will he do it? Probably not. I will also say, I don't believe him to be a freeloader. I doubt he wants to live with me anymore than I do him. He has been notably silent from the conversation when he usually has an opinion about EVERYTHING. As for my daughter leaving Aaron, I personally don't see that happening anytime soon, if at all.

I do not push for it since I sure as hell wouldn't have listened to my parents when I was young. She thinks she's in love, and she probably is. She's not going to listen to me. So far, she has not tried to leverage the baby against me. She's not the sort to behave that way, but who's to say if she ends up feeling desperate enough.

ubiquitous_apathy responded:

You don't have to write any of this. We already know this about him when you said a 32 year old was dating your 18 year old. Curious, though, why wait until now for the "tough love parenting"... and not when the moment you saw an extremely problematic relationship start? How does an 18 year old even meet a 32 year old?

OP responded:

I don't really know what people expected me to do. She was 18 and living own her own with a couple of friends. I had no control or say over her life. As for how they met. She was a flagger and he worked on the job site.

Luz-Amor wrote:

Dad,

I am also incredibly confused, like ChadZowesStutJohn4k. If Aaron is not a monster, and you feel the need to defend him to this extent, then I cannot understand why he would not be allowed to move in with your daughter and grandchild.

He’s her husband, for goodness’ sake. They are a family unit. That’s a really big ask to separate them. If he is exactly the way you’ve described him, then I DO understand why you would not want him to live in your home. He sounds like a terrible partner. On and off again for YEARS is a GIANT RED FLAG, my dude.

Continued drama and only a year’s time consistently together also does not bode well for their relationship. ESH because you can’t make up your mind. Don’t complain if you want to waffle. You’re gonna have to pick your poison…

OP responded:

"then I cannot understand why he would not be allowed to move in with your daughter and grandchild."

I'm angry, I guess. A part of me wants to punish him. I don't think it's right he's with my daughter. I think she could do so much better than him. At the same I've talked with him, I've sat with him, we've gone out for beers together. It was my obligation to get to know him and I've learned a LOT about him. I still don't like him. I think he's immature.

I think his temper gets the better of him sometimes, but I don't think he's a monster. Honestly, right now I am waffling because suddenly I feel like the bad guy because everyone is talking about him like the worst person in the world, and while maybe he is to me...objectively speaking, he is not.

mmwhatchasaiyan wrote:

Have you considered that she is saying that she doesn’t want to live away from him because he won’t allow her and the baby to live away from him? From what you said in your post, it sounds like your daughter is in a potentially dangerous relationship. I think your hatred for Aaron is making it hard for you to see that your daughter is a victim here.

30-year-olds don’t date 18-year-olds because they have a lot in common. It’s a tactic used by abusers to groom and mold their partner into exactly what they want. Having a baby with him just dug that hole a lot deeper. NTA, but tread lightly and be more mindful of what your daughter (and grandchild) could potentially be living through.

OP responded:

Unless he's some master manipulator (which I don't think he's smart enough to be), this isn't the case. My daughter and I were on the phone the last we spoke. She was breaking down, sobbing, saying they had nowhere to go and she didn't want to leave Aaron to come stay with me.

I could, however, hear Aaron in the background trying to placate her. I heard him say that her coming here with the baby is better than nothing, that she and the baby can't stay in the car with him, and that it would only be for a little while.

randompersonsays wrote:

I was having this conversation with a friend yesterday. I can’t imagine being in a serious relationship with someone who couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to have my parents and friends like them. NTA.

OP responded:

Aaron has gone to great lengths in attempt to get me to like him. I just don't find him likeable. He grates on my nerves. I find him incredibly irritating. I have a very short fuse when it comes to that man.

Grateful_Granny wrote:

Hmm. You have a very short fuse when it comes to the man with a temper who married your daughter. Interesting. Maybe she chose a man like her father? Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe you and Aaron need some family counseling to learn how to deal with your tempers.

OP responded:

It's funny you say that because I do see a lot of myself in him. It's almost like looking at an immature version of myself that wasn't able to work through my issues. We've dealt with some similar things. And I admit when my daughter was growing up, my temper left a lot to be desired. It took me a long time and a lot of work to be who I am today.

thatweirdthingwhat wrote:

OP: He's angry, jealous, dramatic, possessive, they break up all the time,, has a criminal history, and almost 10 year age gap.

People think negatively of him.

OP: Y'all are so mean, he's great..

Halospite wrote:

I love it when OPs are horrified by people agreeing with them.

Well, this post certainly stirred up some strong opinions, to say the least.